Home is weird. It is both a place and a concept. Home is a place you live, a dwelling. But it's not just that, it's more than just a place you live. Home doesn't just refer to the type of dwelling in which you live, unlike house, apartment or flat. This is a place where you live and feel a specific way. It's a place where you live and feel 'at home'. This is a particular feeling that doesn't have a great explanation other than comfort, stability, warmth, welcoming and belonging. Because home is often used as more of a concept than a place it cannot be employed in the same way as house, apartment, flat or dwelling.
I now find myself living not in a home, but rather just an apartment. I live here, but I don't feel comfortable, stable or that I belong. This isn't even bringing up the concept of applying the label home to more than just a dwelling but rather to larger surrounding area, like the neighborhood or city. I also don't feel particularly 'at home' in my surrounding area right now, but funny enough I feel more 'at home' in my surrounding area than I do in my apartment right now. There are a good many reasons I don't feel at home in my apartment, one is some issues ongoing issues I've had with my flatmates but some of it is caused by way the apartment looks, the particular annoying things to do with the apartment, the non-responsiveness of our landlord, and a weird feeling of not being settled.
Despite all of this I should still feel as if I have a home at my parents' house, right? Not, so. Overall I feel better in my parent's house than my apartment, still it doesn't feel like home. Perhaps it's because I now feel a tension between myself and my parents, as I am now more outspoken about my feminist beliefs, and my openness about my bisexuality (I'll probably do an entire post about that at some point as well). It also doesn't help that I have very few friends (none really at all) in the area my parents live. I just don't feel at home there anymore.
I had a home, somewhere I felt comfortable, warm, stable and like I belonged. It was the small liberal arts college I went to for the last two years as an undergraduate. I felt not just comfortable but also cared for. My friends were all there and I knew I could see them and depend on them. Now, though I've graduated. Many of my friends are scattered across the country and the world. I have gone back to my Alma mater since graduating and I did still feel at home and cared for but I no longer have a physical space there to call my own anymore. It feels a bit as I've lost the place I called home.
I know that this state of feeling as if I don't have a home won't last. However for now, I will look forward to a future in which I no longer feel so out of place and uncomfortable.
I'll be back with more rambling later,
Leah
Inspiration
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