I really like fanfiction. I've liked fanfiction since I was in middle school. It started with Eragon. I didn't like how ambiguous the end of the Inheritance cycle was. I wanted Arya and Eragon to be together, so I found fanfiction that depicted that relationship. I wasn't hooked after just that, it took a bit more to get me well and truly hooked.
I started watching Naruto. I watched all of Naruto and when there were no more episodes left I delved into the fandom. At first I identified with Sakura quite a bit because her crush on Sasuke mimicked a lot of my crushes. So I shipped SasuSaku for a very short time. Then I found SasuNaru and I was hooked. They had much better chemistry together than Sasuke and Sakura and I liked their dynamic, it helped that I thought it was hot. Later I moved from SasuNaru to NaruSasu and others. I branched out to other fandoms and I wrote a few short fics, even started two long ones, which are still unfinished up on Fanfiction.net.
When I first started to read fanfiction I didn't know why I liked it so much. After many years of liking it and being able to discuss it online and in-person with my friends I have a much better idea. There are many things I like about fanfiction and why I continue to read it despite not reading as many books any more. One of the biggest reasons at the moment is there aren't that many novels about people my age. While YA fiction exploded in popularity causing an up-shoot in books written about 12-16 year olds, there aren't that many written about 20-somethings. There are some good ones that have come out more recently in the New Adult fiction section. But there are even more reasons I like fanfiction more which makes picking up even these stories more difficult. I like to read about LGBTQ+ relationships, which are often depicted in fanfiction. There are great books out there depicting these things as well, but I think many fanfiction authors do a much better job of making the main story arc a romance, or adventure, rather than about the LGBTQ+ struggle. I think I also like to stay with the same characters longer, I never have to leave them with enough fanfiction.
There are a good number of reasons why I prefer fanfiction to books, however I don't see why it should be a competition. Fanficiton is often ridiculed and seen as lesser than books. Mostly this is because it is perceived to, largely, be written by middle school girls. I can tell you from experience, it isn't. There are all kinds of fanfiction authors, mostly female, but that shouldn't matter (it does though). I've read fanfiction that is far better than any book I've ever read. I hate it when people look down on fanfiction as if it is somehow lesser than a novel. The only thing easier about writing fanfiction is that you don't have to do quite as much characterization. In that same vein though, you have to make an accurate portrayal of the character so they don't end up feeling weird to the reader. Fanfiction shouldn't have the reputation it has, it is a legitimate form of creativity and I wish it were respected as such.
More to come on this,
Leah
Monday, February 1, 2016
Friday, January 29, 2016
Rambling and Oversharing
I ramble, a lot. It was likely evident from the very existence of this blog, nonetheless, it seems that I'm learning this more and more about myself. I have found that one of my flatmates consistently has something or other she needs to do, likely because I have talked about a subject she is not particularly interested in for too long. I hadn't really realized this about myself. Probably because I'm shy. It takes me a good while before I get to the point with people where I do ramble at them. I guess when I get to know them better I do, or even if I feel particularly at home, I'll ramble a bit. Generally it's not too bad, I'll just add a bit of extraneous information to the conversation. However, there have been a few times when I keep going on and on when people need to leave to go somewhere. Thinking back this would often happen talking to my housemates last year, when they were about to leave to go somewhere that had time constrains, such as a meal. I don't often have this problem as much anymore because of my newness to this city and just not having very many friends.
A good few times I've gone on not just a ramble but a full blown over-sharing conversation. This often happened when I was comfortable in the place I was in and someone asked me how I was doing. This innocent pleasantry is much more weighted than people give it credit for. In many ways it's just a way of making small talk and being friendly. But it is sort of ambiguous how you're supposed to actually respond to it. Should you say how you are actually feeling, if it isn't fine, good or great?
Well I had a rough time at the beginning of last year and was often asked how I was doing by people I didn't know quite as well. I responded truthfully to this pleasantry. I did this not to make people uncomfortable, which I did a few times. But instead not to lie about my emotional state to others and myself. I have often done this as I have dealt with depression and a whole lot of fooling myself into thinking I wasn't depressed. So at the time, it was one of the ways I tried to keep myself accountable. I don't think most people actually want to know how you're doing when they ask that. People are generally interested in themselves, their close friends, their relatives and their partners. In any case on a few of the occasions when I told the truth about how I was actually feeling, people would be so kind as to ask about my particular predicament. A few of these times I shared a few too many of my troubles with some people who likely did not care very much and had other things they needed to do. I'll probably try to work on this, I don't like to overshare, I'd rather keep my problems to myself and if I need to talk about them do so with a close friend.
This ended up longer than I intended, how ironic,
Leah
A good few times I've gone on not just a ramble but a full blown over-sharing conversation. This often happened when I was comfortable in the place I was in and someone asked me how I was doing. This innocent pleasantry is much more weighted than people give it credit for. In many ways it's just a way of making small talk and being friendly. But it is sort of ambiguous how you're supposed to actually respond to it. Should you say how you are actually feeling, if it isn't fine, good or great?
Well I had a rough time at the beginning of last year and was often asked how I was doing by people I didn't know quite as well. I responded truthfully to this pleasantry. I did this not to make people uncomfortable, which I did a few times. But instead not to lie about my emotional state to others and myself. I have often done this as I have dealt with depression and a whole lot of fooling myself into thinking I wasn't depressed. So at the time, it was one of the ways I tried to keep myself accountable. I don't think most people actually want to know how you're doing when they ask that. People are generally interested in themselves, their close friends, their relatives and their partners. In any case on a few of the occasions when I told the truth about how I was actually feeling, people would be so kind as to ask about my particular predicament. A few of these times I shared a few too many of my troubles with some people who likely did not care very much and had other things they needed to do. I'll probably try to work on this, I don't like to overshare, I'd rather keep my problems to myself and if I need to talk about them do so with a close friend.
This ended up longer than I intended, how ironic,
Leah
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Home... Don't really have one of those at the moment
Home is weird. It is both a place and a concept. Home is a place you live, a dwelling. But it's not just that, it's more than just a place you live. Home doesn't just refer to the type of dwelling in which you live, unlike house, apartment or flat. This is a place where you live and feel a specific way. It's a place where you live and feel 'at home'. This is a particular feeling that doesn't have a great explanation other than comfort, stability, warmth, welcoming and belonging. Because home is often used as more of a concept than a place it cannot be employed in the same way as house, apartment, flat or dwelling.
I now find myself living not in a home, but rather just an apartment. I live here, but I don't feel comfortable, stable or that I belong. This isn't even bringing up the concept of applying the label home to more than just a dwelling but rather to larger surrounding area, like the neighborhood or city. I also don't feel particularly 'at home' in my surrounding area right now, but funny enough I feel more 'at home' in my surrounding area than I do in my apartment right now. There are a good many reasons I don't feel at home in my apartment, one is some issues ongoing issues I've had with my flatmates but some of it is caused by way the apartment looks, the particular annoying things to do with the apartment, the non-responsiveness of our landlord, and a weird feeling of not being settled.
Despite all of this I should still feel as if I have a home at my parents' house, right? Not, so. Overall I feel better in my parent's house than my apartment, still it doesn't feel like home. Perhaps it's because I now feel a tension between myself and my parents, as I am now more outspoken about my feminist beliefs, and my openness about my bisexuality (I'll probably do an entire post about that at some point as well). It also doesn't help that I have very few friends (none really at all) in the area my parents live. I just don't feel at home there anymore.
I had a home, somewhere I felt comfortable, warm, stable and like I belonged. It was the small liberal arts college I went to for the last two years as an undergraduate. I felt not just comfortable but also cared for. My friends were all there and I knew I could see them and depend on them. Now, though I've graduated. Many of my friends are scattered across the country and the world. I have gone back to my Alma mater since graduating and I did still feel at home and cared for but I no longer have a physical space there to call my own anymore. It feels a bit as I've lost the place I called home.
I know that this state of feeling as if I don't have a home won't last. However for now, I will look forward to a future in which I no longer feel so out of place and uncomfortable.
I'll be back with more rambling later,
Leah
Inspiration
I now find myself living not in a home, but rather just an apartment. I live here, but I don't feel comfortable, stable or that I belong. This isn't even bringing up the concept of applying the label home to more than just a dwelling but rather to larger surrounding area, like the neighborhood or city. I also don't feel particularly 'at home' in my surrounding area right now, but funny enough I feel more 'at home' in my surrounding area than I do in my apartment right now. There are a good many reasons I don't feel at home in my apartment, one is some issues ongoing issues I've had with my flatmates but some of it is caused by way the apartment looks, the particular annoying things to do with the apartment, the non-responsiveness of our landlord, and a weird feeling of not being settled.
Despite all of this I should still feel as if I have a home at my parents' house, right? Not, so. Overall I feel better in my parent's house than my apartment, still it doesn't feel like home. Perhaps it's because I now feel a tension between myself and my parents, as I am now more outspoken about my feminist beliefs, and my openness about my bisexuality (I'll probably do an entire post about that at some point as well). It also doesn't help that I have very few friends (none really at all) in the area my parents live. I just don't feel at home there anymore.
I had a home, somewhere I felt comfortable, warm, stable and like I belonged. It was the small liberal arts college I went to for the last two years as an undergraduate. I felt not just comfortable but also cared for. My friends were all there and I knew I could see them and depend on them. Now, though I've graduated. Many of my friends are scattered across the country and the world. I have gone back to my Alma mater since graduating and I did still feel at home and cared for but I no longer have a physical space there to call my own anymore. It feels a bit as I've lost the place I called home.
I know that this state of feeling as if I don't have a home won't last. However for now, I will look forward to a future in which I no longer feel so out of place and uncomfortable.
I'll be back with more rambling later,
Leah
Inspiration
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
My Age is an Issue
With the passing of my 21st birthday last fall, I more officially than ever have entered into ADULTHOOD. Except, that it doesn't really feel like I have. I graduated college, I live in a shared apartment far from my parent's home. Yet, I still feel as if I'm not truly an adult. I shop for my own groceries and pay bills, but actually feeling like an adult has alluded me thus far. I have been assured by many people a bit older than myself that I follow on social media that this is very normal. So, I'm not particularly concerned about this. Instead I'll talk to you about the thing that brought this to the front of my mind.
Pigtails. That's right, a seemingly innocuous hairstyle typically worn by young girls with long hair. I really like to wear pigtails. I think they make me look really cute. It keeps hair back away from my face and looks good with my curls. However, as previously mentioned, this hair style is typically worn by young girls. I've had people comment on this particular hair style when I wear it (when I was even younger) that it makes me look young and it's a bit weird. As a result I don't often wear my hair in pigtails, despite really wanting to be able to. Occasionally I'll wear my hair in low pigtail buns like Kaylee from firefly (awesome show). I have never gotten any negative or what I perceive to be negative comments on my hair when I wear it this way. But it's a compromise, I'd really rather just be able to wear my hair how I like without being told I look really young.
I really struggle with being called young and people are consistently surprised by my age for one reason or another. One reason they are surprised is because I am actually quite young for a college graduate, being only 21 and having graduated when I was 20. Generally I get asked if I'm still in university, then when I say I've already graduated people tend to ask 'Why?'. The answer to which is all wrapped up in a bad few years I'd really rather not talk about when first meeting someone. The other thing I get fairly consistently is people not taking me seriously because of the way that they perceive my age. Usually this just results in a bad cashier experience or them looking dumb when I respond to their question intelligently. I'm probably more sensitive to this one because when I was younger I visited a lot of doctors who always talked down to me and always thought that I couldn't understand basic principals of biology. I have a bit of an age complex at this point, that I should probably address, but as it doesn't come up too often I don't foresee that happening.
The conclusion to this ramble is that I'd really like to be taken seriously even if I wear pigtails. Adults should not have to look a certain way to be treated with respect. In fact there is a good amount of evidence that you should also treat children with the same respect that you treat adults with because they are often far more intelligent than adults give them credit for. If you get anything out of this post, I hope it's that, treating people of all ages with respect and not assuming intelligence level is easy and free. If they don't understand and need or want to then they'll likely let you know.
Happy Hump Day,
Leah
Pigtails. That's right, a seemingly innocuous hairstyle typically worn by young girls with long hair. I really like to wear pigtails. I think they make me look really cute. It keeps hair back away from my face and looks good with my curls. However, as previously mentioned, this hair style is typically worn by young girls. I've had people comment on this particular hair style when I wear it (when I was even younger) that it makes me look young and it's a bit weird. As a result I don't often wear my hair in pigtails, despite really wanting to be able to. Occasionally I'll wear my hair in low pigtail buns like Kaylee from firefly (awesome show). I have never gotten any negative or what I perceive to be negative comments on my hair when I wear it this way. But it's a compromise, I'd really rather just be able to wear my hair how I like without being told I look really young.
I really struggle with being called young and people are consistently surprised by my age for one reason or another. One reason they are surprised is because I am actually quite young for a college graduate, being only 21 and having graduated when I was 20. Generally I get asked if I'm still in university, then when I say I've already graduated people tend to ask 'Why?'. The answer to which is all wrapped up in a bad few years I'd really rather not talk about when first meeting someone. The other thing I get fairly consistently is people not taking me seriously because of the way that they perceive my age. Usually this just results in a bad cashier experience or them looking dumb when I respond to their question intelligently. I'm probably more sensitive to this one because when I was younger I visited a lot of doctors who always talked down to me and always thought that I couldn't understand basic principals of biology. I have a bit of an age complex at this point, that I should probably address, but as it doesn't come up too often I don't foresee that happening.
The conclusion to this ramble is that I'd really like to be taken seriously even if I wear pigtails. Adults should not have to look a certain way to be treated with respect. In fact there is a good amount of evidence that you should also treat children with the same respect that you treat adults with because they are often far more intelligent than adults give them credit for. If you get anything out of this post, I hope it's that, treating people of all ages with respect and not assuming intelligence level is easy and free. If they don't understand and need or want to then they'll likely let you know.
Happy Hump Day,
Leah
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Loving Youtube (but not really being apart of it all)
I've been watching youtubers for a very long time. Much like many people my age. In fact if you look back in my archive of posts you'll even see some youtuber's that I've watched in the past or likely present. I've been watching youtuber's since 2007 or 2008, which is either two or three years from the time that youtube became a thing. I love youtube, I love a lot of youtube culture and have even tried my hand at vloging a few times. In fact in my now copious amounts of free time, I have considered re-starting my channel again.
When I started watching youtube, a good number of people on the site were not just viewers but in fact were also creators themselves. That has since changed as youtubers have become more mainstream. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing. It means that people like me who aren't and have never been a part of the youtube creator community are much more a part of the community now. However with this there has come a myriad of problems, that perhaps I'll talk about in a different post.
As I've been watching youtubers for so long I have been greatly influenced by some of them. Some have been fantastic influences, such as the vlogbrothers, others I probably shouldn't have been watching at such an impressionable age, ShaneDawson for instance. However, I truly think that youtube has helped me immensely in learning about the world and the spectrum of different people that live in this world. I don't think I could be as informed as I am without youtube.
Not just in the traditional education sense of the word informed either. Youtube has many fantastic educational resources, but they have even more resources that tell other people's perspectives. Vloggers share themselves and their perspectives with the world. They tell us what they are thinking and in general don't sugar coat anything. It has made me better aware and more understanding to things from American tipping culture to LGBTQ+ rights to politics to racism.
Youtube is a safe space and hateful place all at once. On the one hand most youtubers who would like to stay in the mainstream have to adhere to a certain set of standards that have been established over the years otherwise they will be ostracized by other youtubers. This ultimately makes them unable to grow their channels with the way youtube's search algorithms work these days. I think that this is a good thing because the set of standards that youtubers are held to is high. The days of unregulated hate speeches on youtube are over. Well, except, not really. People still can and do upload hate onto youtube, but generally they cannot get a large audience if they do so.
Being just a viewer of youtube is an odd place to be. You get to know people through their videos. It's more intimate than TV, even reality TV, in my opinion. I am very aware that youtubers edit their vlogs and videos not only does this make them look better but it also allows them to decide what they share with the world. They generally don't show the bad days. The days they don't put on real clothes, cry and call their parents. But despite all of that, they still seem like real people, people that you could hang out with and be friends with. I think that's why youtube has held me captive through all these years. Because when I don't have real people or the energy for real people I can turn to them, watch them goof around with their friends and laugh with them.
Best wishes,
Leah
btw: I'll be making more posts about youtube in the future, stay tuned for that. I love youtube and I'm very passionate about it.
When I started watching youtube, a good number of people on the site were not just viewers but in fact were also creators themselves. That has since changed as youtubers have become more mainstream. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing. It means that people like me who aren't and have never been a part of the youtube creator community are much more a part of the community now. However with this there has come a myriad of problems, that perhaps I'll talk about in a different post.
As I've been watching youtubers for so long I have been greatly influenced by some of them. Some have been fantastic influences, such as the vlogbrothers, others I probably shouldn't have been watching at such an impressionable age, ShaneDawson for instance. However, I truly think that youtube has helped me immensely in learning about the world and the spectrum of different people that live in this world. I don't think I could be as informed as I am without youtube.
Not just in the traditional education sense of the word informed either. Youtube has many fantastic educational resources, but they have even more resources that tell other people's perspectives. Vloggers share themselves and their perspectives with the world. They tell us what they are thinking and in general don't sugar coat anything. It has made me better aware and more understanding to things from American tipping culture to LGBTQ+ rights to politics to racism.
Youtube is a safe space and hateful place all at once. On the one hand most youtubers who would like to stay in the mainstream have to adhere to a certain set of standards that have been established over the years otherwise they will be ostracized by other youtubers. This ultimately makes them unable to grow their channels with the way youtube's search algorithms work these days. I think that this is a good thing because the set of standards that youtubers are held to is high. The days of unregulated hate speeches on youtube are over. Well, except, not really. People still can and do upload hate onto youtube, but generally they cannot get a large audience if they do so.
Being just a viewer of youtube is an odd place to be. You get to know people through their videos. It's more intimate than TV, even reality TV, in my opinion. I am very aware that youtubers edit their vlogs and videos not only does this make them look better but it also allows them to decide what they share with the world. They generally don't show the bad days. The days they don't put on real clothes, cry and call their parents. But despite all of that, they still seem like real people, people that you could hang out with and be friends with. I think that's why youtube has held me captive through all these years. Because when I don't have real people or the energy for real people I can turn to them, watch them goof around with their friends and laugh with them.
Best wishes,
Leah
btw: I'll be making more posts about youtube in the future, stay tuned for that. I love youtube and I'm very passionate about it.
Monday, January 25, 2016
The Inevitable Feminism post
Welcome, strangers! In case you didn't read the title, I am a feminist. This means that I think that all people should be treated equally disregarding their sex and gender. Wow, glad I got that outta the way.
Now if you're still here I'm gonna tell you a few things about the viewpoints I hold on feminism. I am what some people would call a 'black feminist' not because I am black (which is why I put it in quotation marks) but because I think that you cannot look at social, societal issues without taking into account sexism and racism and income inequality and cultural norms ect. ect. To put it into simple terms I do not think that white women have the same experiences as women from racial minorities.
Being a feminist or rather a good feminist is hard. Not because having the beliefs I outlined earlier is hard but because to be a good feminist you have to be conscious of sexism and racism and the rest. This means recognizing it when it occurs and calling it out if you are safe to do so. But recognizing racism and sexism is hard. Not because it isn't there, because by golly is it there. It's hard because our culture is completely saturated with it, so much so, that many times it doesn't make us feel uncomfortable. And then when you do become conscious of it you feel uncomfortable much much more. Which, yes, is necessary for us to change and be better people, but it means that people don't want to or like feminists because they make them uncomfortable. Which isn't right or just in any way, but nothing is, so, we just keep plugging along.
Just a few thoughts, I'm sure there will be more in the future,
Leah
Now if you're still here I'm gonna tell you a few things about the viewpoints I hold on feminism. I am what some people would call a 'black feminist' not because I am black (which is why I put it in quotation marks) but because I think that you cannot look at social, societal issues without taking into account sexism and racism and income inequality and cultural norms ect. ect. To put it into simple terms I do not think that white women have the same experiences as women from racial minorities.
Being a feminist or rather a good feminist is hard. Not because having the beliefs I outlined earlier is hard but because to be a good feminist you have to be conscious of sexism and racism and the rest. This means recognizing it when it occurs and calling it out if you are safe to do so. But recognizing racism and sexism is hard. Not because it isn't there, because by golly is it there. It's hard because our culture is completely saturated with it, so much so, that many times it doesn't make us feel uncomfortable. And then when you do become conscious of it you feel uncomfortable much much more. Which, yes, is necessary for us to change and be better people, but it means that people don't want to or like feminists because they make them uncomfortable. Which isn't right or just in any way, but nothing is, so, we just keep plugging along.
Just a few thoughts, I'm sure there will be more in the future,
Leah
Friday, January 22, 2016
A Note
I guess I wanted to clarify the purpose of this blog. As I've said, there are going to be some changes. Mostly these changes will consist of the structure of the blog. I've already made most of those changes already. I also plan to update the links to my other social media sites. I'm most active on tumblr so if you're on that platform and would like to check out my stuff the link for that should be around. I'm also now using GoogleAdsense on this blog. I previously mentioned that I am seeking a career in research biology, I really don't have much personal money coming in right now, which is why there are now Ads (and why I'm not just blogging on tumblr). I don't really expect to make money from this blog, but it is something to do and even if it only makes me $5 that's fine with me.
This is still my personal blog. These are my thoughts on the world and my life. I've never been a very upbeat person, but I don't think anyone is expecting that from this blog, so that's alright. The type of grammar and language I use in this blog is indicative of my own personal voice. This means that it is how I would talk to a close friend or maybe my sister, rather than how I would communicate in a professional setting. If there are grammar mistakes they are probably purposeful because I feel that they express the way I am thinking better than using 'proper English'. This is my justification of the grammar I'm gonna use, not that I need to justify my grammar to you, but in case you wanted to comment on it, don't. It's an 'artistic choice', not that I feel that I'm an artist by any stretch, when writing this blog, but it's conscious, alright?
Welcome to the blog,
Leah
This is still my personal blog. These are my thoughts on the world and my life. I've never been a very upbeat person, but I don't think anyone is expecting that from this blog, so that's alright. The type of grammar and language I use in this blog is indicative of my own personal voice. This means that it is how I would talk to a close friend or maybe my sister, rather than how I would communicate in a professional setting. If there are grammar mistakes they are probably purposeful because I feel that they express the way I am thinking better than using 'proper English'. This is my justification of the grammar I'm gonna use, not that I need to justify my grammar to you, but in case you wanted to comment on it, don't. It's an 'artistic choice', not that I feel that I'm an artist by any stretch, when writing this blog, but it's conscious, alright?
Welcome to the blog,
Leah
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